I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
