I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
