Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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