Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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