Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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