At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
