i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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