Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
