you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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