i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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