Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
