What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
