You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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