allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just threw up on my dentist
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
