my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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