Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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