You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
