I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
