i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
