Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
