Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
