it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
