My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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