I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
