the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
being pregnant is like rehab
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This baby is an asshole
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
