I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
