$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
