The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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