From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
