Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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