So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
