I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
