At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize