o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
