True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize