She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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