I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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