saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize