watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
