just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
