Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
