I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Every concussion has its silver lining
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
