Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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