I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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