Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
