There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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