I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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