Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
