ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
