Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
