I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize