i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
