she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize