Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
