I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
