Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
